"I knew it was coming.
It was one of those moments when it hits you like a ton of bricks. The moment you knew your mother was right. But what can I do now? I live in a home that's not my home. I'm married to a man who's not my husband. At least, he's not the man I thought was my husband. And now we have two kids. One is four and the other two. Both are with me all day long. I try to leave the house with them but every day feels like a struggle to get them ready. If we do leave, we're out for a short amount of time. Enough to get what we need at the grocery store and then head back home. My life has become routine. Why? Because of the strangle hold my husband has placed on me. Not physically. But emotionally, mentally, and financially. I have nothing under my name. I have nothing to offer my children. I have nothing to show them that I can care for them. I don't even bother fighting back anymore. Every evening is a battle of words which escalates to screaming and crying. Something I do not want my girls to get used to. I rather be diminished and accept what is said than to fight back and cause an environment that may be burned into my children's minds. And this breaks my heart every single day. I once believed that I could get myself out of this. But now with two little ones, I have no clue how. Without him, I will have nothing. My children will have nothing.
If I could tell my girls something, it would be to always put themselves first, before any man. To fulfill their own happiness so that they can begin to fulfill others. What I feel is emptiness and it kills to me think I can't bring my girls happiness. Every night I go through my mind of how I can change this situation for my girls, but then every morning I get hit with a heavy dose of reality from the man I once loved. What can I do? I can't get a job. I'm uneducated. If I do get a job, where will the kids go? My job can't even pay for half of the daycare that we need and I won't be able to support my children. Even if I wanted to. So trapped. That's how I feel. Every single day."
This was an excerpt of a mom who wrote in to share her current journey. A journey she feels can be relatable to some women out there. This is the first time she's done something like this and has already felt a bit of release by sharing. This diary submission was a way for her to share her struggles without being judged. She will remain anonymous for the safety of her children but as of now she has been seeking support in understanding how to deal with a domestic abusive partner with children.
The reason for this post is to help one person feel free about writing something that's been haunting her for a very long time, and to perhaps help another person find peace in knowing she's not the only one. Additionally, we're hoping these diaries can help us as mothers unite on a personal level as we begin to open our hearts and be humbled by every one of our experiences.
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