This week’s Mama Diary is from Anna Maria. Originally from Poland, this mama of two has now set roots in Boston.
When we first connected, I was already blown away from the honesty in her blogs. So, we concluded that we would feature one of her posts as it pertains so closely to what a lot of mothers currently feel; I know I have felt such strong similar feelings many times. Anna’s words resonate so strongly that sometimes I felt as if it was something from my own diary. Relocating to another city is hard enough – but talk about relocating to another country! That really puts your identity to the test. Imagine having to redefine yourself in a community you’re not too familiar with and a culture that might not be what you’re used to. It comes a time in motherhood that the loneliness seems incredibly unbearable that it certainly makes you question who you really are and what you’re made out of. This is why Anna’s post has become her diary entry.
We’ve carefully curated all photos from Anna’s Instagram account (@anja_mari) in hopes that it can inspire a space that will help lift you up, along with her diary entry that can help validate who you are.
The dust has settled down, and we are settled in, trying to feel like home is home. Trying to adjust to the new normal that still feels out of ordinary. The new normal of being completely, utterly out of place. We are hoping that our new place will feel in place and like our place, sometime, soon, but probably later than sooner. Sadly I can keep going, oh brother, I won’t…
And let me tell you, quite bluntly. I feel pretty lonely at times. Quite vividly, on a Monday morning, when the doors behind Cass close and I am left in the quiet house, a house that still needs so much organizing and cleaning and figuring out, a task that feels so damn overwhelming and daunting, like a constant reminder that we are starting from scratch… I am not saying this because I seek pity, I am not saying this because I think anything can be done differently, I am saying this because it is true, and I feel like the lonesome burden is well understood among mothers like myself and maybe even among mothers unlike myself. I think in general humans are battling loneliness, thus I am saying this so at least in this aspect, I don’t feel lonely, see what I did here?…I hope it makes sense.
I have always been a lonesome type, always longing for something, I think it is a natural habitat of a melancholic soul like mine. Such soul always seeks to fill some void, always. I was always aware of it and grew to coexist with it.
However, the recent state of affairs amplified this feeling, the void, the ache and made me dig deeper into it.
I know that the life I chose a long time ago would involve more loneliness than average. If there is even any gauge measuring loneliness… cause that just doesn’t make sense, but still, my situation, moving away from my family, my country, my language and culture, destined me into feeling like this, more often than not.
I was always a “seek to please” kind of a person, I want to do things right so so it is hard for someone to have something against me, because knowing that someone may not approve of something I do is just like a bullet to my heart, as if it could kill me in an instant. Pretty silly and pretty immature and definitely a few weeks of therapy for postpartum anxiety won’t really fix that kind of a personality issue. I also know now that people who want to always keep everyone happy around them are often the loneliest people around. I attest to this. I am slowly learning how not to waste my energy on trying to constantly control “PR status” among my family and friends, but it is difficult to let go of that thought. It requires a lot of trust and self-acceptance and confidence, all virtues I am still trying to grow.
And yet, I moved distances that broke apart many real life relationships, so naively, I seek, what I cannot keep onto in real life, in the virtual one.
I found friends online, real friends, some I have never met but I know one day I will… But apart from that, an attempt to fill the lone void with social media is a really pooor, poor choice of a remedy. I mean it is easy for a person like me to seek it there, but I know I will never fully find it either. We all know how social media gauges of likes and harts are changing with a sinusoidal regularity. Also… sometimes things don’t mean what they seem to mean, sometimes not saying anything speaks a thousand words too, there is much negativity to be found, even if one avoids it, it will find its way around to invite itself in. so it is easy to feel lonely on there too… I heard term a “hate follow” and it sort of scared me, but then again, if it is something I cannot control, so I really should stop trying.
Currently, I feel like life is a bit of a bubble, it is hard to be in this new place surrounded by strangers, but it is also impossible to remedy this with just social media and the virtual world. But I also know it is a stage, a difficult one for a soul like mine that needs to feed off of people’s energy that likes to be surrounded by people, that loves to interact. This motherhood gig is a great one, but I feel like it deprives us of feeling like we are out there, with people, in the world…. I don’t know, maybe it is just me feeling this way… I wish, I could feel that life is now, right here, in the little things, but I do struggle with that, and I constantly seek to fill that ache and void, with something bigger… Because it feels like the little things don’t really do it, at least not all the way, not all of it, maybe it is just wider, deeper, sort of enlarged by everything that happened lately, again…
I am writing this just a few days before I leave for Poland, I have been writing this for the past weeks with thoughts coming and going, cutting and deleting things, then adding more things back in. Because the topic I am trying to discuss is really complex… I know that the trip will help in some ways, but then won’t help in others, I know, like a Facebook status, it is complicated.
Thank you Anna for your honest words and may you continue to live the life you’re meant to live.
You can find Anna’s original blog post here.