(Photo By Julie Christine Photography)
Never in a million years that I would come face to face with postpartum depression.
You would think that my first pregnancy, as a Teen Mom, would trigger some sort of depression or anxiety.
But it didn’t.
I didn’t feel any sort of depression or anxiety until 7 and a half years later, when I had my second son.
At first, I wasn’t sure what I was feeling.
All I knew was that was angry, triggered at the smallest infraction, resentful at my partner and I hated being home alone with my son.
I suffered, but I didn’t know what I was suffering from.
I was always angry but not like this. I couldn’t control my emotions and I would be on the verge of tears almost every night.
Why didn’t he sleep? Why didn’t he eat? What was wrong with me? What is happening?! Why do I feel this way?!
I wanted to scream, yell at the top of my lungs “I hate my life!”.
I was sad.
Why couldn’t I wake up cheery like those “other” moms? Why don’t I have any energy? Am I just tired from being up all night?
I didn’t tell ANYONE how I was feeling. I didn’t know I was suffering from PPD or PPA. I just thought I was crazy and that I was a bad mother.
My life was torture. Everyday I would wake up dreading what the day would bring me.
I became ashamed of the person I was and that I allowed myself to get so deep into PPD without seeking help.
I had NO idea what Postpartum Depression.
Growing up, these topics were never discussed. It was taboo to talk about your feelings and it was worse if you let them define you.
So of course, when I was in it, I didn’t know what to do.
I kept seeing threads on Facebook about Postpartum and how do deal with it. I’d read through the comments and I would nod along.
I’d even think “that’s how I’m feeling”.
Once the lightbulb went off, I started googling.
“What is Postpartum?”
“How to deal with Postpartum?”
“How do you know if you have Postpartum?”
I had postpartum but who do I deal with it?!
It took time. Months to be exact for me to feel like myself again.
To this day I still struggle. But not because of new son.
I’m traumatized about what COULD be. Always waiting for something bad to happen.
However, I know my triggers and when I feel them coming, I call for help. My mom, my sister, a friend.
Because, I refuse to feel that way again.
Heydy is part of our new Mama Diary Series, #RAWmotherhood, that aims to provide purposeful portraits to break the “Instagram worthy” pictures of motherhood and be real for a moment. Thank you Heydy for supporting this campaign to unite and support mothers in their journey, postpartum. This initiative is to bring awareness and funds to BC Women’s Hospital Foundation as they continue the research and development of an app to treat PPD and PPA. Click here to find out how you can help.