This week's submission is so powerful that it struck us to the core. It's an honest journalling of a women's view of what happens to us when we endure something so emotional and traumatic. Why do we, as women, put others first before ourselves? Is this a natural thing? Is this innate? Is it healthy? I mean it is socially acceptable and desirable that we put other people's needs before ourselves. But how much is too much? And does it become a detriment to our own happiness?
Mama Diary #3
I heard about this campaign and I have mixed emotions about it. I wanted to write an effective entry and let people know my story. But reading all the others, there are so many women who already know my story without me needing to say anything at all. And they know my story better then I do. They tell me about emotions I have that I couldn’t sum up in the past. To say “sum up” is probably not even correct pre tense. So why repeat the struggles, why tell so many others about my negativities, my sorrows, my excuses for deep depression, self esteem so low we cannot meet parental standards and we accept neglect. Why do we accept neglect!? Self respect and dignity driven so low, you no longer know what affection is or what a social environment is. These statements sound like weakness but in fact these women are strong! Just to see them write articles on this blog yet still be living with it tells me they are in, what I hope they realize, are some of their strongest moments of their life! They have noticed it. I don’t think someone who hasn’t been through it realizes how long it takes the victim to notice they are even in this horror. These ladies have been living with these terrors far longer then they let on because they themselves do not even know when it began. And it has ALWAYS begun before you have the slightest inclination.
This is the first step. I wish I could empower you but I am still in those first stages too. All I can tell you ladies, those feelings ARE normal. Others say, “This is not natural! This is not okay!” For us this is just…life. My family and friends told me for years, my relationship was less then standard. It’s all I knew though. Don’t let people tell you that pretty much your entire life has been wrong. Let yourself tell yourself that you no longer feel the same, that you will no longer tolerate it. This is part of the process. Lord knows we are only trying to make everyone else happy, to please our family and give them everything we can our entire lives. I know sometimes we wish we did things differently but we as woman are selfless and if we truly love someone we will ALWAYS put them first as much as we tell our daughters and our younger selves that is not the case. When you think you have met the right man and start a family, your wife and maternal instincts will kick in. This is normal.
The moment you realize it is less then equal, I should say make you happy. Because we are selfless by nature, this is easier said then done. Especially in so many scenarios where someone has brought you to think you are already a nothing. In my experience, I didn’t make myself happy, I couldn’t. But after what my kids had been through and what they had physically seen, I wanted to make it all go away for them. We all think we are putting our kids first, but in reality, us even thinking we are just doing enough is not enough. I set out to make my kids happiest and completely unintentionally too. I just wanted them to unsee everything they had seen. I wanted them to remember these years completely differently, I wanted to mask the pain. I didn’t think for a second to make myself happy. It’s just didn’t even cross my mind after a degrading relationship. I thought everything I did was wrong and I changed my focus from trying to fix things with my husband to trying to fix things with my children. I REALLY thought of every possible thing that could make them happy, every moment of every day and I attempted to fulfill this for them. Their happiness made me happy in the moment and I eventually wanted literally NOTHING less for them. You will not want nor LET them see you in any other light!
I have mixed emotions about the campaign because I came into it with motivation and after just reading the first few entries, felt rushed with all my old feelings. The number one thing that stands out after all we have been through ladies, after all we have witnessed and continue to think about on a constant basis ….its that all of these ladies question why? Not a single one of these woman talks about what happened but how they feel now. They wonder what to do now. You ladies, you are STRONG! You are strong to finally see the whole picture and wonder why or what. Of all the emotions that could be racing through your blood right now, you wonder why?!
I literally related to everything that was said.
“I'm so angry that someone can treat another so poorly and have no remorse for it, and here I am trying to live through the memories, trying to learn to cope.”
“I live in a home that's not my home. I'm married to a man who's not my husband.”, “I have nothing to offer my children. I have nothing to show them that I can care for them. I don't even bother fighting back anymore.”
Ladies, this is truly just a chapter. I promise! If you are going through hell, keep going. You will re-open this book again later in life and this chapter will make it the best damn book you have ever read. Don’t ever forget your value. Don’t ever forget your strength. Don’t ever forget that you are the best damn Mama.
Once again, thank you for this incredible mama who braved her emotions and penned (or typed) down her honest thoughts about what she is going through. Not only that, but she's empowered and validated other mothers before her who may be experiencing similar thoughts, feelings, and situations. We're sending nothing but love to such a powerful warrior.
Feel free to comment your positive notes below to help and heal this community of mothers.
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